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http://phatblawg.wordpress.com/

Half-high @ an OA Meeting

My family comes from a long line of "shit alcoholics," so when someone suggested I go to an OA meeting, I got buck as fuck. I've always wanted to have alot of stranger's pay mad attention to me, (hence my oft-disturbing habit of faking seizures on subways).
(insert pictures of chix pizzing themselves here.)
I roll up on the shit, blazed out of my mind. Stumble through ball-scorching one-hundred degree heat. And when someone asks me if I'm the one who has the shitty little key that opens the cock-suck little trailer we talk about being fat in, I overshoot my pockets, gesture towards my crotch and say "Sorry, got a whole lot jangling around in here, but no key." Needless to say, I got my chubby little knob sawed.
The meeting on the whole was really cool. Alot of people voiced thought's and feelings that I myself had shared, and honestly felt I was alone in.  I really started to empathize with those around, not just because of the crisp nugs I had toked, but also out of caring and compassion.  In summation, my first OA meeting was totally, indescribably, damn near ineffably gay. It was kind of like X. Sure, you feel good and you're holding hands, but if you look like some drooling psuedo-wiccan who won't shut the fuck up about "Him, our Lord and Savior" then what's the fucking point?

PS If twelve morbidly obese people leave a Methodist church at 8 pm, it's not exactly anonymous, now is it?

Wormz Diet

2 ALL TEH HATERS OUT THERE:
Okay, so here's how my fucking diet works:
B-Fast: 350-400 calories.
Lunch: 400-450 calories
Dinner: 600-600 WHOLE GOD DAMNED CALORIES!!!
Night-time Pre-touching Snack: 400-450 calories

THIS SHIT IS FUCKING KEWL AS SHIT, AND HERE'S WHY: I LOSE 3 POUNDS A WEEK EVEN IF I FUCKING SIT ON MY ASS ALL DAY WATCHING BE KIND, REWIND AND ABSENTLY BUTT-LOTIONING.
HERE'S HOW IT WORKS IN PRACTICE:
Let's say I get home. I've been ripping spliffs and sucking clits all god damned day. I'm lean, mean, and ready for some crunch some oats. Here's what I make:
1.5 cups of some bullshit off-brand crunchy raisin bran: 285 calories
1 cup 2% milk: 130 calories
Shitty little handful of blueberries: 10 calories, maybe.
TOTAL: 425 calories!!!!


DO YOU KNOW HOW FUCKING DANK THAT SHIT WAS! I CAN COUNT TWO TIMES IN MY ENTIRE LIFE WHEN I'VE USED THE WORD "DANK" IN AN UNIRONIC FASHION, BUT THIS SHIT WAS SO TOTALLY FUCKING DANK I HAD TO GO AHEAD AND WHISPER TO MYSELF "FUCK THIS IS DANK."


PS DOES ANYBODY IN THE "BLAWGOSPHERE" KNOW ANY ILL/VAG-THEMED CALORIES COUNTING SOFTWARE OR WEBSITES?

WORK OUT WITH WORM!!!!!!

PS HAVEN'T BEEN ABLE TO "HIT THE SCALE" RECENTLY BUT MY LAST WEIGH IN WAS 20 lbs DOWN, PLUS I AM PARTYING SO MUCH GOD DAMN FUCKING HARDER. AS FAR AS I CAN TELL, THE ONLY DOWNSIDE TO LOSING WEIGHT IS THAT I RIP ALOT MORE BONGS AND HAVE HAD A SICKLY BUT DEEPLY PLEASURABLE SATISFACTION FROM WATCHING MODERATELY VIOLENT HENTAI.

ThREE SWEETEST WORDS IN ThE ENGLISh LANGUAGE

hOT. ARMENIAN. NUTRITIONIST.

PhAT: PRETTY hOT AND TEMPTING

SO, I'M PRETTY FAT. LIKE ALMOST FISTABLY FAT (I LITERALLY DON'T KNOW WhAT ThAT MEANS, BUT MY BALLS RETREATED INTO MY COLON WhEN I ThOUGhT OF IT, 

SO I ThINK WE'RE GOOD 2 GO.

BUT SUDDENLY, I'VE FELT A GROWING URGE TO "DIAPhRAGM" ThE ShIT OUT OF GIRLS. 
USED TO BE, I'D GO hOME WITh A COUPLE OF SPICY ChICKEN SANDWIChES AND ThINK: 
"OKAY, SO ThIS IS GOING TO BE MY SEX TONIGhT. BUT ThAT'S JUST NOT TENDERIZING 
ThE MEAT RIGhT NOW. SO I'M WORKING TOWARDS FUCKING WEIGhT.

WhAT IS FUCKING WEIGhT YOU MIGhT ASK? IT'S SIMPLE, 
FUCKING WEIGhT IS ThE WEIGhT WhERE WOMEN OF DUPLICITOUS AND GENERALLY QUESTIONABLE 
MORALS WILL "SCRATCh MY DAWG."

SO ThIS IS MY BLAWG. ILL POST ThE "PREPPY" BULLShIT I EAT, LITTLE TIPS AND TRIX OF ThE TRADE, AND IN DEPTh REVIEWS OF ANY OF ThE BOOBS ThAT MAY STUMBLE ACROSS MY PATh. ALSO, SCAThING CRITICISMS OF NANA'S DAY TO DAY LIFE. I BID YOU... WELCOME.

P.S. I SWEAR ThAT EVEN ThOUGh I'M FAT, I CAN COMFORTABLY CATEGORIZE MY DICK SIZE AS "MEDIOCRE." 

Fake Shitz

                                                


                                                 These shitz will not help you looz weight.

Listen, I'm with you. I would like nothing more then to believe with all my heart that some botox injected venice beach whore with fist-sized tits was going to provide both a jarringly erotic set of jerkoff sessions and help you burn off those extra binge-drinkings. But guess what? If all wishes came true, then I probably would have beaten that date rape charge, wouldn't I? And instead I spent 21 months in county doing "sniffing accounts" for a Dominican named Rico "Husky" Martinez.

WEEKLY WEIGH IN: -15 POUNDS
DISTANCE 2 FUCKING WEIGHT: 135 POUNDS